How can she be a helper without the helper?
Have I learnt or not learnt? No I haven’t but I have given myself brain.
Marriage to me can be best described as a beautifully well decorated, very attractive looking box given to me. In the box, I am assured that I will love every single item inside. I eventually open this beautiful box in anticipation and can’t wait to begin to begin to use all of the beautiful items in the beautiful box. Finally, I am given the go ahead not only to open the box but to begin use the items in the box as I please.
I open the box and squeal in delight as the first item hits me (Great honeymoon Sex). It is so nice that I just want to hold on to it, but that’s just one of the many item in the box. The next item is equally great (companionship, fellowship, guidance). I am content to have just the items until I am told it is impossible to pick some items, I have to accept all of the other items in the box as well. so in anticipation, I open the other items but they are not as nice as the first(Total submission to another human being like me , selflessness, endurance to some of his nonsense etc). In this case, I should either frown, grumble or become bitter about being lied to right? Why is the box beautiful outside if not everything inside it is beautiful? I grumble because it is not what I had envisaged. I am given the options to either reject the not so nice stuffs with the hope that it will be changed to what I consider nice or accept both the not so nice and acquire a taste to accommodate it till I begin to love it.
As a spirit filled Christian I thought I could easily cope since I was well prepared. I did not realise I could only cope from afar and on the pages of the exam we wrote after the marriage counselling class. I did not know that I would need to train and discipline my spirit, mind and body to learn how to cope with the good, bad and maybe ugly at a really close range every single day of my life.
Unconsciously, without meaning to, I began to misbehave so much that even the first item that I have loved so much becomes irrelevant and everything looks the same. (Not nice, not attractive and useless). If I have a pressing issue on my mind and I want to discuss it with my husband but he gives me the signal that he is not in the mood to talk, but I really want to talk and he is really not in the mood to talk, is it not a natural reaction if I sulk or get angry? But what do I need to learn? I need to learn to let go of my selfishness and trade it for patience and understanding and pray that my husband does the same so we both can accommodate our differences and let go of our selfish desire so we are able to please the each other.
I was the wife who decided to get mad at her husband’s nice and not so nice attitude as other characters that I had not noticed before marriage began to unveil in her eyes and in her mind. I am the wife who got so mad that I merged the beautiful and not-beautiful character so that it all became ugly to me and then I reacted to ugly in a bad way because no one likes ugly, only that I was the one who made it ugly.
I had conveniently forgotten that my husband will be given a similar box relating to me where my beautiful, not so beautiful and ugly character are included. I reacted to him as if I was perfect and without blemish, I reacted most times thinking I was 100% right, forgetting that I had my mess and he also had to deal with it.I forgot at some point that we do not reason the same way hence I had no right to fuss when he thinks differently. To make it easy to decipher my message, Tayo and I are in a glass house and when I throw stones at him, I should expect the shatters of the broken glass house to fall on me as well.
So what do I do? Do I become a fool? Do we not argue?
Hell no! We both have to compromise. I have to let go of my selfishness, self-righteousness, pride, pity party and emotional blackmail. I have to learn to love all of the good, bad and ugly and make it beautiful, after all God called light out of darkness so he expect me to do the same thing instead of grumbling.
I am overwhelmed thinking about all of these things but I remember Christ is willing to help me more than I am willing to even receive from him. It means I don’t have to rely on my ability, strength or my wisdom for I am not even sufficient unto myself talk less of being sufficient as Tayo’s wife.
I have to learn submit to Christ so he is able to teach me the right way to submit to Tayo. I only have to be full of the love of Christ so I am able to pour out that same pure, unadulterated, unconditional love on Tayo. Loving my husband Christ way!
I sigh as my eyes wander round our room and falls on the clock. “Wow! I jump off the bed in shock when I realise I have taken so much time meditating. I realise how precious quiet times are and because the devil knows how precious it is, he distracts us especially with social media. When I see I am going off again… I run out of the room to the kitchen to make dinner. It is almost the time Tayo returns from work; even if I know he won’t mind if I order food from a restaurant I take delight in preparing his meals. I divide myself into a thousand pieces, as I frantically work round the kitchen, amidst pots and seasonings to get Tayo’s food ready. I know when I resume work next week, I may not be able to do this often.
“What kind of nonsense is this? I should have just boiled the meat and chicken earlier before putting in the freezer …”
“Yay!” I yelp in pain as my body connects with the hot pot. ” What kind of nonsense is this… why did I even procrastinate? I groan.
At last after so much rush, burns and panic at meeting deadline, the food is ready just as I hear the sound of my husband tyres kiss the floor of our compound. I assume he will be hungry since he has come later than his usual time of 6 o’clock.
“Hey babe”. I throw at him as I bend to place the bowls containing my hot spicy food on the table.
“Hi. How are you?”
“Okay. Are you fine?” I say with a frown on my face when I notice stress lines on his face and the way he drags his legs.
“I am good. Just tired”
“I have just cooked Onunu and pepper soup, maybe you should eat first before taking a shower so you can regain your energy”. I say with concern
“Can’t eat this night. I ate an hour ago at the meeting I went for,I just need to sleep. He says .He gives me a peck “Goodnight”.
I am dazed at the speed at which Tayo travels to our room, all in the name of tiredness and sleep. I am about to get angry but I let go of my anger to think. I put myself in his shoes instead. “Maybe he had a bad day at work; maybe he only just had his first meal at a dinner meeting; maybe he is not just in the mood”.
I come up with all of these excuses to refrain my mind from dwelling on the fact that after so much stress and effort Tayo did not eat my food. Instead of getting angry unnecessarily, I decide to discuss with Tayo how I feel when he is in a lighter mood. I reflect on the happiness, fellowship, companionship, chemistry and love that I had experienced in the first two month of my marriage, when Tayo had always let me had my way until he got tired of it.
Like I said earlier, I have given myself brain. I don’t get angry at everything , I don’t fight every battle I select only important ones, It will not kill me to be quiet instead of arguing and saying hurtful words to prove a point. It will not kill me to say ‘Okay’ to his decisions even if I know it does not make sense. There’s a time for everything. A time to speak, A time to be angry and form vex, A time to be his baby, A time to be his queen, and A time to be his wife. I also have the holy spirit to give me expo on how to deal with Tayo and the good thing is that he gives me strength to keep my anger in check and the urge to stop myself from keeping malice with Tayo.
I remember a message that the spirit had dropped in my heart when I was still using my ears for the purpose it was created for –to hear.”Don’t dull yourself! Don’t be deceived A woman can be a badass cook, a sex goddess, very submissive, loving and attentive and the husband will still be useless. You can’t have control over another man’s reaction- Man is a spirit”. Only the creator can deal with its creation.
In my case, I have to come to realise that sometimes it is not the husband you should be fighting but the spirit that is making him act anyhow. Now as I cook and serve my husband his meal, I speak in tongues under my breathe; declaring words and sending my angels on errand. I do not rely on what I can physically offer him alone, I need the spice that can come only from above. Forever is too long not to be tired of the same body or taste of food.
The only way I, can succeed in this thing called marriage, is to be first successful in my role as the bride of Christ. Loving him, waiting on him, fellowship with him, speaking to him, voraciously learning of him and submitting myself as he breaks and moulds me into hid perfect woman. Not for religious sake or so my marriage can be good but because he first loved me and I am not ungrateful!
I’ll be right back, I need to give Tayo a massage and then a cuddle.
Thanks to everyone for riding along this series. I apologise for my inconsistencies. This series is actually meant to be longer and more detailed but my 8-5 job won’t let me and sometimes it is laziness. It’s all in my head…
I hope you’re blessed as much as I am. Like I said earlier, I did not write this story alone, i received wisdom from above. Married or not, I declare that your marriage is blessed and fruitful, full of love and happiness, reflecting the love that Christ has for his church.
Please let go of religion and whisper to him. He is closer than your breathe. He wants your attention, He wants a relationship, He knows what breaks your heart and he is willing to gather all the broken pieces. Let’s love on him a little longer for he is in love with us..
Ready or not…he is coming again!