After ‘I do’ – 10

I am surprised that you all like Omolade. Ashley nko?

Previous Episode: Here

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“She fell from where? how? I hope her husband will allow her to continue to work …”. I hear Ashley bombard Kayla with numerous questions.

The last part of the question is what I should be concerned about. Will Tayo allow me continue with work especially after all his nagging and murmuring on how he made a mistake by leaving me to an inefficient boss to take me to Abuja and bring me back unharmed and complete.

How am I going to cope with being alone at home with Tayo at work and no baby to look forward to,to fill my days with Joy,hope and longing. How do I explain to people when they ask me about my baby? How do I cope with the look of pity people will throw at me? How will I manage to look at another child and not break down in tears?

They did not tell me about this part of marriage . No one told me to be ready for this emotional responsibility that came with being married.

I am here

The more I think, the wider the void in my heart becomes. At a point I become detached from people’s thought of me and on how they’ll look at me. Infact I am least concerned about what Tayo feels or my job or even life in general.All is vanity without my child.

I am here

Although It’s a good feeling to know that Kayla and Ashley came all the way to Abuja to see me, it shows that they are reliable after all and I am not alone. I have not been especially good to them or gone out of my way to help them, neither have I made an attempt to consolidate our relationship.I had instead separated from both of them when I saw they were getting close…Jealousy

Its funny how marriage make you see part of yourself you never knew existed upon deep reflection.

I never knew I was this selfish or self centered. How I expect Tayo to do stuffs for me and I do nothing or else it benefits ME; How It seems so easy to blame him but exclude myself as part of the problem;How I basked in the love and poured all of my love on the child growing in my body and only brought  him  in when I felt like; How I starved God of my attention and fellowship just because everything was working out well for me ;How I fought Tayo and Kayla for bringing  Ashley into my home when I knew she was in pain; How I know I should discuss this unbearable pain with Tayo,but I am too selfish to share it with him.Even worse, knowing that I am selfish and can’t  seem to be able to do anything about it.

“How could I have been comfortable seeing other people in pain just because I am doing fine? Now that I’m hurting I see it how it feels”

I have cried and cried , I don’t know how else to cry to make me feel better. I cry until all of my feelings and emotions are replaced by guilt,shame failure and incompetence as a woman incapable of nurturing and harbouring  a child to fruition .

“Oh the embarrassment I have to face!”. I begin to weep

 

“God did you take this child from me because of my selfishness? will I make a bad mother? Is this my share of your wrath?”. A great shudder wracks my body as tears of pain and disappointment spill out of my face in torrents.

My migraine triples and my eyes hurts but I don’t mind. I don’t mind taking all of the pain if I can have my child back but because I know that’s not possible I blank out but come back almost immediately by the trauma of touching my now flat tummy.

I must have  cried out loud because  Kayla and Ashley rush into my room panicking and looking at me with concern and fear.

“My darling”. Ashley says as she moves to me.She cuddles me and I rest on her bosom weeping. Kayla says nothing but pats my back. Their actions give me hope. Maybe God can have mercy and give me another child.


A thousand and one times I say NO.

No way is it acceptable for Omolade to shut me out of her pain.Does she not think that I am also grieving from the loss of a child?.

I pace around the hospital reception in anger. The nurse at the reception has pleaded with me several times to have a sit but I ignored her. I am hoping she ask me one more time so I can transfer aggression to  her.

“Why won’t I love Kayla forever, tell me?”. I say to my mind. As expected she had come to Abuja and had the sense to ask how I was feeling?

So far, everyone including my mother have been asking how Omolade is doing but only Kayla had asked how I was coping with the loss of a child that I had come to love.

I should be angry with Omolade for putting us in this predicament, I should be angry at her for not listening to me and making me go through this pain. I had not realised that one person’s action would affect the other person.

I need to be more firm with Omolade. No way am I going to ever let her put me in this mess again. “Starting from now!”.  I say vehemently under my breathe. The nurse gives me a weird look, as if I care.

With this conclusion, I walk boldly into Omolade’s room to see Kayla and Ashley over her.I don’t care if she is ready to talk me or not.

She raises her head to face me. I take in her swollen red eyes, swollen trembling lips, disheveled hair and tear streaked face. This makes me melt and my heart squeeze as I see  pain written all over,especially in her eyes.

“Maybe she needs to shut me out to be healed”. I conclude. I decide to leave her in peace with Ashley and Kayla to comfort her.

“Tayo”. I hear her say in a weak voice.

I turn to her, surprised to hear her call my name. For the past two days that I have been with her in the hospital, she has refused to talk to me or see me. The trauma I have had to endure knowing my wife is in pain and has no need for me has killed me a thousand times.

I move towards her with tentative steps. “My love”

“Tayo please make love to me! please give me another baby”.

I freeze., My eyes bulges but I don’t see anything until I find myself in our childs nursery in Lagos.

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Image Source: http://bit.ly/1Za4xwH

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